Gun control, gay marriage, abortion…candy corn?!? Who knew Halloween’s perennial kernel-shaped snack could be so divisive?
I took a poll to find out how folks felt about candy corn, and the results were quite polarizing. None of the replies were of the “I can take it or leave it” variety. Certainly some sang its praises, and a few rode the fence with a love/hate relationship. But the most entertaining and creative answers came from the haters.
“I would rather write an essay on a blackboard using nothing but a fork.”
“My teeth hurt just reading this.”
“Insipid confections spawned from hell.”
“Rather eat corn in sh*t.”
“I would like to feed All of It to Dick Cheney, staple him to Donald Rumsfeld and launch the whole lot into the sun.”
Alrighty, then. There seems to be some seriously deep-seated loathing of this defenseless little sweet. Yet according to the National Confectioners Association, 25 million pounds (9,000+ metric tons) of candy corn are sold annually. I imagine there must be more than a few metric tons lying around somewhere, uneaten and unloved, serving no purpose but to populate our landfills and choke our dolphins.
So for all you candy corn abhorrers — and for the admirers that also love super silly crafts — here are some ways to put that bumper crop of corn to good(ish) use.
1. CORNY COSTUME SPECS
Materials: candy corn, plastic glasses, hot glue
How to: Glue candy corn to glasses, place on preschooler, allow wackiness to ensue.
Corny tip: Put the glue on the candy first, allowing it to melt it just a tiny bit before adhering to glasses.
2. GOOGLY-EYED EARRINGS
Materials: candy corn, clip-on earring findings, silver wire or chord, googly eyes, hot glue, super glue
How to: Use super glue to adhere large googly eye to earring finding; tie one end of chord to bottom of earring clip, seal with a drop of either kind of glue; hot glue smaller googly-eyes on either side of the chord (to make a sandwich of sorts); make a hole in the yellow section of the candy corn with a paper clip or toothpick about 1/4″ deep, put a drop of super glue over the hole then push end of chord into hole, making sure to remove the paper clip or toothpick quickly.
Corny tip: If you don’t have nail polish remover handy, rub margarine on skin to remove super glue. Or just don’t get it on your skin to begin with.
3. CREEPY CANDY TWIG BOUQUET
Materials: candy corn, clear vase or bowl, twigs, black spray paint
How to: Ask preschooler to pick up a few twigs in the yard; cull the 60 or 70 twigs down to 5 or 6 of the creepiest; spray paint black (2 coats needed), allow to dry overnight; arrange twigs in vase, slowly adding candy corn around it until arrangement stands on its own.
Corny tip: Don’t place this craft within reach of curious toddlers or really drunk partygoers.
4. CREATURES OF THE CORN
Materials: candy corn, mellowcreme pumpkins, googly eyes, pom-poms, toothpicks, paperclips, or any other objects to make eyes, hair, legs or other appendages.
How to, left: green paperclip cut in two and used for legs, super glued into candy corn and pumpkin; mini pom-pom mouse ears; middle: cellophane frill toothpicks used to make tripod creature; right: paperclip cut and bent into a “v” shape, hot glued into large pom-pom for legs; different sized googly eyes for extra crazy effect.
Corny tip: Don’t place this craft within reach of curious toddlers or really drunk party-goers. Or dogs.
5. CANDY-TIPPED CRAZY CLOWN GLOVES
Materials: candy corn, clown gloves, hot glue, bloodied knife (optional)
How to: These gloves (purchased at Party City) came with a thin cardboard insert. Leave that in, or insert thin strips of cardboard into tips of fingers; use hot glue to adhere candy corn to tips of glove fingers; allow to dry, then gently pull cardboard out.
Corny tip: Not advisable for chronic nail-biters.
6. CANDY CORN SKULL OF DOOM T-SHIRT
Okay guys and ghouls, that’s all I got. If you have any leftover candy corn, it’s your problem. One suggestion — do NOT give it to trick-or-treaters, or you’ll end up with a yard full of toilet paper. Or worse yet, a giant bag of flaming candy corn.
Thank you to my models, Jon (Candy Costume Specs) and Papa (Candy-Tipped Crazy Clown Gloves). You two are always my favorite treat!
Disclaimer: Do not eat any of the crafts.
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