Revenge Fantasy: If Someone Slapped MY Child…

February 20, 2013 | By Brent Almond | DAD STUFF, LESSONS LEARNED

This story was zooming around the internet the last couple of days, shocking everyone in its drunken, racist, baby-slappin’ wake. I didn’t see it until late in the day, when a Facebook friend tagged me with the question, “I wonder what Brent would do?”

While we’ve been on our share of flights with JJ, the closest we’ve had to a run-in with another passenger was pretty tame. As we settled in, the woman in front of us complained out loud that she “always gets seated in front of the kids.” As luck would have it, the flight attendant was gay and gave us all his attention, essentially ignoring her. Karma’s a bitch, and is sitting right behind you.

Yet I’ve been a non-parent much longer than I’ve been a parent, so I understand the frustration of Babes on a Plane. However I always felt sorry for the weary caregivers struggling to simultaneously soothe their child while fending off a jet full of judgmental glares.

So what WOULD I do?
For one thing, I doubt anyone would dare slap JJ while sitting on MY less-than-dainty lap. But if I let myself fantasize about the situation, where some drunken old man slaps my 19 month-old baby and tells me to “Shut that faggot* baby up!” it would probably go one of two ways:

A) I would hand JJ to Papa (he’s got a law career to worry about) and then beat the living shit out of this guy.

or

B) I would take the high road, grab Jon like a protective Daddy Grizzly, and allow the airline attendants to strap this a-hole down until we land. I’d then stalk him to the airport men’s room, where he would emerge with a poop-filled diaper stuffed in one orifice and a sippy cup stuffed in the other.

How about you? What would YOU do?

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*In case you haven’t read the story, the child in question was black, sitting on the lap of his white, adoptive mom. Joe Rickey Hundley, who was drunk, slapped 19 month-old Jonah Bennett, and told the mother to “Shut that nigger baby up!” I only changed to word to fit my own worst-case scenario.

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20 responses to “Revenge Fantasy: If Someone Slapped MY Child…”

  1. Like yourself, I’m hardly “dainty” so I’d hope that someone would never be foolish enough to touch my child. That said, if they were stupid enough to do so, they’d feel my wrath as a 300lb+ Rock Father beat the shit out of them.

    Then, of course, I’d be the one getting thrown in jail because that’s the way “the system” works.

  2. Phil says:

    The mother was able to do the right thing because this jerk has now lost his job and gets international public shame. With any luck this is all he will be remembered for the rest of his sad little pathetic life.

    I’ve never hit my kids in any capacity and I’ll be damned if anyone else will and thinks they’re going to go get away with it without massive public shaming. Oh yeah, they’re going to be “internet famous.”

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      This guy may get a year in prison. If so, I wonder how many times he’s going to get slapped?

      Luckily the boy was young enough he’ll doubtfully remember any of it.

  3. Ray Colon says:

    Hi Brent,

    Since this story came out a few days ago, the Internet has been abuzz with testosterone fueled tales of beat-downs and bail money. It’s the electronic equivalent of piling on — no one stays on the sidelines. Of course, any man’s reaction would be physical — a grab of the man’s arm, a punch to his face, etc. None of which is any great feat given that, in this case, the guy was old, frail looking, and drunk.

    The guy made a huge mistake. Because of it: he’s universally hated, he’s lost his job, and he has charges pending. The addition of a bloody nose to his woes isn’t likely to make him feel much worse.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Ray:

      Thanks for your comment. You’re right, it sounds like a firm shove would have toppled him over pretty easily. But hearing about it sure does release something primal in a lot of folks — maybe we don’t get enough exercise (I know I don’t) or it’s our caveman genes kicking in. Or maybe we just need someone to hate every once in a while.

      In any event, if this guy does go to jail, I imagine he’ll get his fair share of bloody noses.

  4. Adam G says:

    Not sure what I’d do if that happened to me. I’m a big guy, but I tend to try to head these things off at the pass if I can. I’d be pretty angry, no doubt. But would I go on a vengeful killing/hurting/maiming spree? I don’t think so.

    But the first thing that I would do for sure, is check to see if my son were all right.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Adam:

      In reality, my reaction would probably be much more boring than the fantasy described above. Plus, I wouldn’t want to waste a perfectly good sippy cup!

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Brent

  5. Duffer says:

    I would lose my shit. I’m getting all prickly just watching the video. If ever violence begat violence, it would be this.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      LOL. You used the word “begat” — you literally went Biblical on his ass.

      And thanks, BTW, for the shout out on Good Men Project!

      DD

  6. Chris says:

    Believe it or not as a 6’7″ guy I have never gotten into a fight but if someone slapped my kid it would be on. I feel sorry for this little kid. Airplane rides are just hard to manage with little ones without someone being a dick about the situation. Parents try their hardest to prevent kids from flying but the pressure and turbulence can be scary. If you don’t want to fly with kids then do what Madden does and take the bus. What an insensitive prick. I bet you he will be the one crying in prison in the end.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Chris:
      I’m a pretty big guy too (though shorter and probably wider than you) and I only got into 1 fight in my life in Jr. High. It was always the smaller guys getting into fights it seems.

      And if you read the full account of this, the guy said it once, then leaned in basically smashing his face against the mom’s ear and said it again, THEN slapped the little boy. What a mess his life is — and will be.

      Thanks for your comment!
      Brent

  7. I think I would make some sort of announcement if this happened:
    “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until I have concluded the kicking of this guy’s ass. When he stops crying for help, this will indicate that his ass whooping has come to a complete halt and it is once again safe for you to move about the cabin.

    At that time, I will ask that you please check around your seat for any of his personal belongings which may have been knocked away during the fight. You may keep them. Sir, could you please stand up?”

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      HA! I imagine some of those personal belongings might include teeth… or possibly dentures.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Brent

  8. […] has gone viral already since last week, and thanks to Designer Daddy’s revenge fantasy piece, it has lit up the Dad Bloggers network I’m a part of. To summarize, this […]

  9. Alan says:

    1) First time visiting your blog. Good stuff. Your writing is hilarious, even when serious.

    2) I’m not a violent man. Fighting solves little, in my opinion. But I’d put my six months of kick boxing to good use on someone who did that to my kid. And, I hope, to anyone else’s.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Alan:

      1) Thank you! I also write for pay! 🙂

      2) I’d pay good money to see a kick boxing match on a plane.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Brent

  10. Bill says:

    I pity the poor jacka$$ that touches one of my kids with my wife present. While I might grab the guy, she’d absolutely wreck him.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Bill:

      That’s probably true with me as well. My husband is smaller than me, but he’s an Italian from The Bronx…

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Brent

  11. WOW. I must’ve been off the grid for longer than I thought, because I missed that little news item completely. I’m like you — I want to believe that I’d take some sort of high road if that happened to me… but somehow, I’m pretty sure I’d hulk out on the asshole. And end up being the one escorted off the plane by security as a result.

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