Fridge Wisdom: Sh*t Toddlers Say

July 25, 2012 | By Brent Almond | LESSONS LEARNED

I know I’ve already covered JJ’s first profane utterance, and luckily there hasn’t been any since. But I often feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Papa and I have definitely gotten better at stifling our blasphemous outbursts; and more specifically in my case, replacing the desired word with something innocuous and/or silly.

“Sugar” I’ve found to be a great substitute for “shit” as it allows for the initial “sssshhhhh” which lets you to blow off a good amount of steam ā€” extend it for as long as you like before switching on your internal V Chip.

I’ve toyed with “fudge” and “funk” as surrogates for “fuck,” but with a word that volatile, I wanted to avoid JJ repeating even the replacement word, as I’m sure Grandma or Nonna or the mailman would still be able to figure out the intent of the original word. They just sound too close for comfort. So I settled on “foo foo” which sounds all fun and fluffy and bunny-like. Except of course when I’ve stubbed my toe and am yelling it.

As the son of a preacher man, uttering “Jesus Christ” for any reason other than prayer or while playing a Bible trivia game is just not kosher. Even before JJ, my version of “JC” (or “Jesus H. Christ”*) was the somewhat softer and infinitely more clever “Jesus, Mary & Josephine Baker!” And during the heyday of The Sopranos, you could often catch me saying “Mudder ‘a God, Janice!” in my best Jersey mobster accent. Which, by the way, is better than my Italian husband’s. What can I say, I’m gifted.

So on the rare occasion I veer into “JC” territory, I’ve created a mash-up of “Jeez Louise” and “Jiminy Cricket.” “Jiminy Louise Cricket” is great for when you want to blast out a mouthful of words to really get your point across and also reference a beloved Disney character known for his clear conscience and snappy outfits.

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Originally this post was just going to be all cute and clever and pretty colors. Until, however, I came across this piece of sublime parenting:

Don’t worry, I’m not going to waste much time giving the Palins the attention they so richly desire. So to summarize, yes, it bothers me three year-old Tripp said “faggot,” but let me tell you what bothers me more:

  1. That his mother and aunt laugh at it.
  2. That in the build up to his using the word, their attempts at disciplining him include “God is watching you.”
  3. That the child is being raised exploited on a reality show.
  4. That someone ā€” the producers, the network (Lifetime), Mama Bristol, Grandma Grizzly ā€” decided it was okay to include footage of a toddler saying “faggot.” If he’d used the N-word, it would have never made it to air, bleeped or not. Profanity is one thing, hate speech is another, even when uttered by a child who doesn’t understand what he’s saying.
  5. That I wasted any time at all giving attention to a Palin.

All right, enough for now. I’ve got shit to do.

*Does anyone know what the hell the “H” stands for?

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comments

4 responses to “Fridge Wisdom: Sh*t Toddlers Say”

  1. Noah Moore-Goad says:

    My mother and grandmother would have beaten my a@@ for saying such stuff, tv or no tv. Just more reason The Palins need to get out of the spotlight. Disgusting people, even for republicans.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Noah:
      I keep thinking they’re going to go away, but more and more of them keep popping up!
      DD

  2. Frank Butterfield says:

    Brent —

    I really love the phrase: “Jiminy Louise Cricket.” It’s so right in so many ways.

    Funny you should ask about the “H” because I was just wondering the same thing a few days ago. According to Michael Quinion, the H comes from the Greek monogram for Jesus: IHC.

    Here’s a link to that article: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-jes1.htm

    As children, my sister and I were not allowed to say “Jeez”, “Gee Whiz,” “Gosh,” or “Golly,” since these words are just near substitutes for Jesus and God. My grandmother sat us both down one day and explained it all. However, for some reason, all other words were pretty much ok (except the F-bomb).

    My favorite curse word that I ever heard as a child was “Hell’s Bells!” When pronounced with a west Texas accent, it has about 6 syllables.

    • Brent M. Almond says:

      Frank:
      The only problem with “JLC” is Louise was my maternal Grandmother’s name. So it’s still not a 100% guilt-free phrase. šŸ™‚

      I had a poster on Facebook say they thought “H” stood for “holy” but I’m also wondering if Jesus’ middle name wasn’t “Horowitz”… šŸ™‚

      “Shoot fire!” is also a Southern favorite of mine, as it comes out more as “Shooooooot fahr!”
      DD

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