‘Twas 10 Days Before Christmas: Playing Santa With Google Home

December 15, 2016 | By Brent Almond | DAD STUFF, THINGS DAD DIGS

Whoever invented Santa Claus should be ashamed of themselves. As should all of us who have continually used him to leverage good behavior from our kids. And we bestow upon Santa all of these mystical powers and superhuman abilities, setting expectations at nothing less than Magical Candy Nirvana.

Then we, as parents, HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK!

But instead of drowning your sorrows in hot cocoa, or stress-eating an entire roast beast, sit back and enjoy a holiday poem about a nifty device that’s been helping me make it through this crazy-making most special season.

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‘Twas ten days before Christmas, and all through my head
Every detail was spinning, filling me up with dread;
The stockings weren’t hung and the cupboard was bare,
Tho in a fortnight, fam’ly all would be there.

As a parent, I wear lots of different hats;
Chef, chauffeur, coach, doctor, and of course, diplomat.
Yet at Christmas I don the most stressful chapeau;
It’s red, and requires I say “Ho, Ho, Ho.”

Google Home helps parents play Santa

In addition to all my normal dad duties
There’s shopping and cooking, and trimming of trees,
And wrapping and boxing and lighting and stuff;
It’s enough to make any parent cry, “Enough!”

Does my kid still believe in St. Nick? Matters not.
That to-do list is now my list, and entails quite a lot.
So how will I tackle these tasks on my own?
And how will I do them sans bitch, gripe, or moan?

Please sit, let me tell you, of a wondrous device!
It’s helpful, it’s techy, and its voice is quite nice!
It’s called Google Home, and you’ll soon be aware
How it helps me play Santa without yanking my hair!

Google Home helps parents play Santa

Plays music! And podcasts!
Gives traffic and weather!
Tells jokes and does MadLibs!
Adds numbers together!
Knows your schedule, flight info,
And the scores of your teams.
It’s super! Quite simply
It’s the tool of your dreams!

So I set about planning what I need to buy,
From cranberries, candy canes, coffee, and pie,
To tinsel and garland and twinkling lights;
Google Home keeps my list, anytime day or night.

“GH” (we’ve grown close now), even helps me to spell
Words like Hanukkah, Wenceslas, and Joyeux Noël.
It tells me how long it takes the mall,
And if traffic is crappy, should I go at all.

When it comes to the meals, Google Home is top drawer;
It can set lots of timers, reminders galore.
You can ask how much cooking your turkey will need;
It will tell you (per pound) and how many ‘twill feed.

Google Home helps parents play Santa

You can find all the recipes that you desire,
For things like hot chocolate to drink by the fire,
And fruitcake and eggnog and hot apple crumb,
And dressing (or stuffing) and pudding of plum,
And ham glazed with honey or basted with Coke,
Sweet sugar cookies, soufflés (sans the yoke).
It can also give stats like nutrition and calorie,
So your stomach won’t shake like a bowl full of jelly.

All you speak are 2 words, and it sets to the task
Doing all that I’ve said (and much more) — you just ask!
Clear your throat, say “OK, Google!” then request;
Watch the holidays sparkle, as it eases your stress.

Google Home helps parents play Santa

Google Home also makes a swell stocking gift,
Or a Hanukkah present — they’ll thank you, and swift!
Purchase it now, you’ll receive quite a deal;
YouTube Red for six months… OMG what a steal!

After all has been done, and my fam’ly is dreaming
I’ll remove my red hat and lay down, a smile beaming.
And I’ll think to myself, ‘fore my thoughts start to roam,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all Google Home!

Google Home helps parents play Santa

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Props to Clement Clarke Moore, author of the original poem on which this parody is based.

Disclaimer: I partnered with Google for this post, however all opinions are my own.

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