19 Things My Kid Has Eaten Since He Last Had a Vegetable

March 1, 2016 | By Brent Almond | DAD STUFF

Things My Kid Has Eaten - SmartyPants Vitamins

As parents, one of the most common struggles is getting our kids to eat. To eat healthy. To eat what’s set before them. To eat at all.

My son’s mealtime issues are multi-tiered — a parfait of frustration, if you will. Sitting still (or down) is a frequent battle; and as he’s gotten older, he’s become more resourceful in acquiring between-meal snacks. But the biggest hurdle has been his continuously dwindling palette, particularly when it comes to vegetables. While we do sneak them in sometimes (pureed cauliflower in pasta sauce is a favorite), the fact remains he won’t knowingly put any sort of vegetable in his mouth.

But before I go on… If you’re one of those Type A parents whose kids have eaten only well-balanced, organic, locally-grown meals since birth, you can just keep on scrolling. We have plenty of inadequacy on our plate already. And besides, don’t you have some homemade kale-quinoa-almond milk popsicles to whip up?

Okay, now that they’re gone, the rest of us can relax a bit and get down to business. As an exercise in catharsis, I’ve compiled a list for you. A ridiculously long, ridiculously gross list of 19 things my kid has eaten (or chewed, or put in his mouth) since the last time he willingly ate a vegetable.

Cringe at the carnage, be strong in the solidarity, and be sure to share your own weird, stomach-churning tidbits in the comments.

1. Boogers

I figured I might as well get this one out of the way. While one of the most common and arguably most disgusting things kids ingest, I just don’t get the appeal. Maybe it’s the convenience of the short delivery route, or perhaps it’s a child’s first way of practicing recycling. Whatever the reason, I have no idea what the chemical make-up of boogers are, and I’m okay with that. But I’m pretty sure it’s not vegetables.

2. Fingernails

As if the boy needs another bad habit. Here’s hoping it’s just a phase, and he doesn’t start biting his…

3. Toenails (dammit!)

Shoving his chubby, little feet into his mouth was cute when he was a baby. But now that he’s grown into a human toenail clipper… well, let’s just say I’m keeping the number of the traveling circus handy.

4. Sleeves

And sometimes collars. Applies to all long-sleeved garments, including shirts, hoodies, windbreakers, and sweaters. He’s freaky, not picky.

5. Bathwater

This makes me throw up in my mouth a little. But at least he’s getting hydrated. #silverlining

6. Weird strings pulled from the underside of the bath mat

This makes me throw up in my mouth a lot.

7. Punchers

No, this isn’t a new super sugary, punch-flavored, Power Rangers snack. It’s what they call the padded sparring gloves my son wears in his taekwondo classes. Apparently their coating is quite tasty, and it’s always a treat for me to see my son’s smile peppered with tiny bits of black rubber at the end of each lesson.

8. Toothpaste

Sometimes he sucks it off the brush, sometimes straight from the tube. Either way, Yay for minty-fresh intestines!

9. Play-Doh

I’ll wager this is one of the more familiar items on lists like these. (What do you mean you don’t make lists of the weird crap your kid eats?) It’s so colorful and smooshy, I understand why children can’t resist a nibble or two. But I’m curious — does it have more nutritional value if it’s in the shape of a carrot?

10. Pocket change

If I had a nickel for every time my kid put a nickel in his mouth…

11. Fringe from a chenille throw

This is why we can’t have nice things. Or at least things with fringe.

12. Rocks

Yup, I said rocks. I would say my kiddo doesn’t have the sense God gave a goose, but I’m pretty sure a goose would eat a rock, too. Stupid gooses.

13. Doritos

One of the few actual foods on the list, though that’s debatable. We never have these in the house (Because who wants bright orange dust all over their chenille throw?), but whenever my son comes in contact with them at a birthday party or school function, he acts like a rabid dog in a pile of postal workers. It’s not pretty, even with all the bright orange dust.

14. Action figures

These handy heroes are the perfect on-the-go snack, especially if you’re in the mood for molded plastic and paint chips. And they go great with almost any beverage. My son’s preference is Robin, The Boy Wonder, paired with a strawberry Gogurt. Holy heartburn, Batman!

15. Halloween candy

Like #13, candy corn, unwrapped Kisses, and stray Smarties are also edible, but not when found on the floor of my car. In June.

16. Glow sticks

Last July 4th, my exhausted child was mindlessly chewing on his glow stick necklace on the ride home. Without warning, he started screaming that his lips and mouth were stinging. After checking the glow stick for leaks (and finding none), it turns out the burning was caused by the layer of bug spray on it. So I guess we can add bug spray to the list, too.

17. Lollipops

Also normally counts as food. However, “normally” does not include being temporarily rested on the toilet paper dispenser in a gas station bathroom.

18. Dog treats

While some are actually made from vegetables (the one in question contained sweet potatoes) and do smell quite tasty, I still can’t fathom why my child prefers to put a dog treat in his mouth rather than real human food. Ain’t parenting a bitch?

19. Dirty snow

Seeing my little one munching on a handful of freshly-fallen snow is totes adorbs. Seeing my little one devouring a handful of week-old exhaust and mud-soaked sludge is totes revolting.


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Things My Kid Has Eaten - SmartyPants Vitamins

20. BONUS! SmartyPants Vitamins

While I did indeed partner with SmartyPants Vitamins for this post, my list was well under way prior to meeting these fine, vitamin-making folks. It just seemed like such a natural fit. Because my son — he of the oh-so-particular palette, my finicky progeny, the Boy with the Eating Habits of a Deranged Goat — is not the healthiest eater.

I have hope he’ll get there eventually, but in the meantime, I’m glad there’s SmartyPants to supplement what he might be lacking. And besides, I hear they go great with toenails.

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What’s so great about SmartyPants Vitamins?

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  Economical! Buying the same combo of individual vitamins would cost 2x as much.
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For more information, visit SmartyPantsVitamins.com.

Things My Kid Has Eaten - SmartyPants Vitamins

Wanna win some SmartyPants?

  A full month’s supply of Kids Complete (1 bottle)
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How to enter:

In the comments section, share the weirdest thing your kid (or you) has ever eaten, then click “Leave a blog post comment” in the contest widget to complete your entry. Tweet about the giveaway, or visit SmartyPants and Designer Daddy on Facebook for additional entries.

Contest ends at midnight EST on Tuesday, March 8.

 

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Thanks for reading, entering, and sharing. Don’t forget to take your vitamins!

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comments

9 responses to “19 Things My Kid Has Eaten Since He Last Had a Vegetable”

  1. Ariel Isenberg says:

    Debatable as real food but Taco Bell. They used to have these “Big” meals meant for parties…or stoned college kids. It came with 5 burritos, 5 tacos, a Mexican pizza, and a nachos bell grande. My buddy and ordered it. My buddy quit after 2 burritos. I, much to my almost instant regret, ate the rest.

  2. Daddy Files says:

    A dust bunny combined with dog hair.

  3. Ben says:

    My two year old keeps trying to eat her stickers. It’s hilarious and concerning all at the same time lol

  4. Ryan says:

    1yo has eaten dog food, must’ve gotten distracted on his way to dump a cup of it in dog’s bowl.

    4yo also glow stick innards. Also got it in his eye. Blamed me.

  5. Matt Brennan says:

    The kid has eaten a dog treat.

  6. Shannon says:

    Oh goodness. That list makes me feel much better about my child’s eating habits! The only really gross thing he’s managed to eat is bathwater (ugh), although he also likes chewing on his own hands (way past babyhood), blankets, the edge of his coat and play food. But then, I chewed on my hair for a grossly long time, so I guess kids are just weird.

  7. Ross says:

    Our kids seem to be particularly fond of eating sand. It must be a genetic thing as I did the same thing as nipper. I don’t remember the sand tasting especially good, but the visits to the toilet the following day, aren’t amongst my fondest childhood memories! Oh, my dog loves eating tinsel around Christmas time and leaving festive little bombs around the garden!

  8. […] of eating – he oddly turned down pasta the other night! – but he’s nothing on Designer Daddy’s kid, who’s managed to eat toenails, sleeves, bathwater, and 16 other things since the last time […]

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